as most of you are probably aware, i'm typically pretty jovial and positive overall, with brief periods of grumpy. lately i have fluctuated quite a bit, what with my marriage ending, tension in other romantic / sexual relationships, etc. i suspect that my long time away from work has contributed to this as well; i'm feeling a bit restless, like i need something to occupy my time.
since my return from thailand i've been seriously off-kilter (of course, my fucked-up sleep patterns aren't helping any). while away, i decided on a course of action and a related set of expectations regarding near-term dating / relationship, based on conversations prior to departure. unfortunately, it now seems clear that the expectations were based on some flawed conditions, which leaves me in a bit of limbo in one of my relationships. further, i found out a day after getting home that another relationship (one i had consigned to 'trying to rebuild trust and friendship') hoped for a reconciliation -- this in contrast to the clear signals i'd received prior to vacation.
and it's been a bit of a challenge to communicate with either of them to better understand the situation(s), due to illness and other factors.
i made decisions based in part on insights, realizations while away, but also in part on my understanding of the lay of the land. it turns out that i had the map upside-down, or maybe sideways, so my lay of the land was all askew.
so, i'm in a funk. i've been grumpy, frustrated, depressed, cynical. definitely not your typical shiny happy teddy-bear stuart. and i'm not exactly sure when i'll have a chance to clear up any of the particularly confusing bits. i'm feeling in fight-or-flight mode, wondering why i didn't extend my ticket and stay longer in paradise.
*sigh*
what's worst of all: i feel like a big damn whiner.